I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
