I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
