My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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