So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Less talking, more tequila
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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