Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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