Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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