Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize