I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
