your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
