Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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