So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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