At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize