EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
