The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How naked do you want me to be?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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