Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
