Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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