He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
