Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
