don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
