Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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