I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
