I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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