I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
