and she was petting her beer can
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
