Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i drank out of a bidet.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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