I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
