he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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