Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
