I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
