my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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