Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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