it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
