I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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