I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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