I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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