Your face is a jimmy john
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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