Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
