You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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