One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize