then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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