I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize