I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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