Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
