I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
