I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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