I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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