I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
