I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
