im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
never play flip cup with pint glasses
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
