I faked an abortion last night.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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