Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
