Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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