you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
