There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
