just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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