i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
