vagina is talking i cant
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
