I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
