i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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