just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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