people are starting to question the shark bite story
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
