I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
