Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
