I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
