I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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