My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
