I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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