it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
