Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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